April 6th. They've booked a one-way ticket for April 6th - nine days before my due date. Of course, you know that that because of this, the baby isn't coming until the last possible second. Watch, I'm going to end up going past my due date. Of course, it'll probably only be one or two days but still.
They're planning to stay for a week after the baby comes, but nothing is set in stone. They said they'll stay until I kick them out. How do you say that to a person? How dare they put me in that position? I told him in no uncertain terms that he will not do that to me, that HE will tell them when it's time for them to go and it will not be because 'she's ready for you to leave.' Frankly, if he doesn't, I could care less. I don't care what they think of me, and I think it's rude to show up at someone's house during the most delicate of times.
Over and over, I read that sex is the best way to get labor going naturally. Pray tell, how are we supposed to have sex with his parents in the next room and a dog that can open doors? I know the doctor can't make you get induced, but I have to know that induction is a very real possibility. Furthermore, I know that not everyone has sex to jumpstart labor so it's not like if I don't have sex, I'm just screwed. haha
I'll walk the block, I'll drink the tea and I'll think labor-y thoughts but I hate that any options are taken away, because I want to be able to do anything that might increase my chances for an un-medicated birth. So I'm resentful that I won't be able to have sex because they will be in the house.
Another thing that bugs me is that they don't talk to me. All communication goes through him. It's my house too! Shouldn't they be talking to me too? Asking me how they can help? Asking me if there's anything that I'm going to need? Reassuring me that they won't get in the way? Something??
It's not that I don't like them, or that they don't like me. It could be ten times worse and I could have nightmare in-laws. Of course, if they were terrible they wouldn't want to stay in my house, but I digress.
It's just that I don't have anything in common with them besides their son. Even that is tenuous at best, because he has made so much effort to build a life that is so far removed from his past that even he doesn't relate that much to his parents. If he doesn't even have that much in common with his parents anymore, why in the world would he expect me to be best friends with them?
I try, I genuinely do. When I am on the phone with them, I try to be engaging and ask questions but it's so very painful. So, did you do anything interesting over the weekend? Nope. Oh. Well, what are your plans for today? Nothin'. Oh. Um, how's the weather? It hit 30 below today. Wow, that's so cold!
That's it. No exaggeration. Of course, I have no desire to prolong that so yes, I avoid talking to them. But only because the past fifteen phone conversations have played out the exact same way!
I was going to stop working April 4th, but now that they will have invaded my space, there's no sense in being at home with them staring at me waiting for me to do something. I told my boss that I want to stay at work until my water breaks. Too bad I can't ask for more work.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, October 8, 2010
All apologies
I started writing on the other blog again, but I'm keeping this one too. It helps to purge the ugly but I don't want to do that in front of such a big audience so I'll be here too.
You know what gets on my last god-blessed nerve? The way he apologizes. I know that sounds so petty and stupid but I hate it when anyone does it so it's really not just him.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
That phrase makes me see red any time anyone says it, but it's his favorite. It removes all responsibility from you and places it squarely on the shoulders of the other person, as in it's not my problem you can't handle me saying you're fat. It's bullshit. He gets confused at the concept of taking responsibility for your own reactions and applies it to getting upset as well. Yet *I* have to reframe, rephrase, find new words lest I set him off. If I upset him, I always say I'm sorry I upset you. To say anything else is flat-out rude and it minimizes the other person's feelings, as though they have no right be upset at something you've said or done.
Although I'm not surprised. He is the king of logic and will argue his way out of all responsibility for every situation, even the one we're in now. If I hadn't done what I did, he wouldn't have had to do what he did, so it's really my fault and I owe him the apology. It makes me want to pull my hair out.
For him there is no such thing as taking his medicine, sitting in the hot seat and he sure as hell would never ever tolerate being 'put in the doghouse.' It makes me tired. Just apologize sincerely and let's get on with our lives.
Yet another skill that must be learned. Yippee.
You know what gets on my last god-blessed nerve? The way he apologizes. I know that sounds so petty and stupid but I hate it when anyone does it so it's really not just him.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
That phrase makes me see red any time anyone says it, but it's his favorite. It removes all responsibility from you and places it squarely on the shoulders of the other person, as in it's not my problem you can't handle me saying you're fat. It's bullshit. He gets confused at the concept of taking responsibility for your own reactions and applies it to getting upset as well. Yet *I* have to reframe, rephrase, find new words lest I set him off. If I upset him, I always say I'm sorry I upset you. To say anything else is flat-out rude and it minimizes the other person's feelings, as though they have no right be upset at something you've said or done.
Although I'm not surprised. He is the king of logic and will argue his way out of all responsibility for every situation, even the one we're in now. If I hadn't done what I did, he wouldn't have had to do what he did, so it's really my fault and I owe him the apology. It makes me want to pull my hair out.
For him there is no such thing as taking his medicine, sitting in the hot seat and he sure as hell would never ever tolerate being 'put in the doghouse.' It makes me tired. Just apologize sincerely and let's get on with our lives.
Yet another skill that must be learned. Yippee.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Glimmer
We had an emergency session with the therapist last night. My plan was to go in, remain calm and simply say 'okay' to whatever she said. That didn't go over quite as well as I'd hoped.
I got upset, I raised my voice, I got agitated, but I calmed myself down and I was able to listen as well as share my thoughts and feelings. R didn't as much, but I wasn't surprised. What pleased me is that the therapist saw us in action and she corrected a lot of things mid-stream. Or should I say mid-scream? BTW, y'all will know something's wrong if I ever 1)stop doing my hair or 2)if I stop cracking jokes.
Anyway, she admonished him pretty strongly that if he was indeed going to stay in this marriage that he had to let some stuff go. A-MEN!! I'm still angry so I don't have a lot of sympathy but I can say I recognize that R is coming from waaaaay behind the starting line. I don't know if y'all remember, but in my family post I talked a little about his family too, and how they pretty much let him figure things out for himself. While that's all fine and good, there has to be some guidance and just because a kid gets good grades and is polite to the neighbors, it doesn't mean they don't need parenting. However, R was good. He was very much the Golden Child - good grades, good at all sports and super easy on the eyes. I'm actually kind of nervous for our baby because I've heard that two pretty people will make an ugly baby, and for real, R was pretty growing up! But I digress.
Growing up, things were very often handed to him. He worked hard but that hard work always paid off and always with great reward. Seriously, I think the first miscarriage was the first disappointment he'd EVER experienced in his life. I take that back - he didn't get into his PhD program because of politics and he's still upset about that to this day. He cut off all contact with the two other candidates and they were his very good friends. He still carries that around with him, all these years later.
Unfortunately, being smart and good at sports and good-looking didn't leave him very humble. He'll tell you all day long he's humble, but scratch the surface and there's an arrogant know-it-all just underneath. And that's a big ol problem when butting heads with a loud-mouthed, fast-talking, stubborn, way-more-articulate, far more emotionally in-tune person like me.
The guy has no coping skills. None. He does not know how to deal with disappointment, express emotion other than anger or articulate his feelings. I'm talking child-level here. If he didn't get what he wanted from one person, he'd drop it/them emotionlessly and move on to the next person who would give him what he wanted. That's why he's got such trouble with authority. He doesn't know how to take orders or criticism.
Emotionally, that meant all unpleasant feelings get stuffed to the bottom, for years and years and the only way it gets dealt with is with periodic explosions. His parents told me I just need to let him do that because that was his way. WTF-EVER! That may work for you because your little Golden Boy does no wrong but in MY world? The REAL world? Tantrums don't fly beyond the age of 2. In MY world we deal with our emotions and then let that shit go. What is this bottle-it-up nonsense? That's how people DIE at 40.
But tell that to a 32-year old for whom it has 'worked' thus far. Well, I can't because I know nothing remember? But therapist can and did. I could have kissed her. She laid it out for him that he needed to do the work on his own, that I could not do it for him and as long as these triggers from his past kept interfering with his present, he was never going to break the cycle. That's how I ended up in a hotel room after a fight about the dog. Something I did or said flipped a switch in his brain, he got crazy, I got crazy and I left. Not acceptable.
I can only hope he heard what she said and will implement her suggestions - only time will tell. I can clearly understand the challenges he's working with - he's never in his life had to articulate his feelings, not even anger. He was just indulged - 'Oh that's just R blowing off some steam. He'll be fine later.' But it never got talked about, why he needed to blow off steam in the first place and how to keep from getting to the crazy place the next time. It's hard raising boys - you want them to be strong and tough but you don't want them punching holes in walls because their team lost the game. Yet you don't want them to take to their beds and cry for days either. Girls have their own set of difficulties but I get that it's hard for boys.
However, it doesn't mean I will accept his behavior. When we walked in, I made it clear that I would not rehash the events of the past weekend, that the past is in the past and that we can point fingers at each other for years because God knows we've got the material. I said we need help figuring out how to move forward. R consistently wanted to bring up the past as justification for his behavior and kept coming up short when I refused. We are looking forward now, what are we doing to heal and move forward? No answer, but not because he's a jerk - he truly doesn't know.
I haven't yet given up but this has been a long week. I don't know how much patience I have while he learns skills that he should have learned as a teenager, and frankly I'm still very angry. I'm not raging like I was because I'm starting to have a glimmer of sympathy for just how hard this is for him and I never really hold on to anger for that long. But it is still there.
Just this morning he told me he was angry at me but couldn't articulate why. Is it because I didn't give you the response you wanted? How is that in keeping with your desire for me to remain true to myself? You said you didn't want me to be a mindless zombie and I was not disrespectful in disagreeing with you. So can you tell me why you're angry?
Just forget it, he said.
I reminded him that the therapist said no stuffing, that stuffing emotions down leads to explosions. If you feel something, name it right then, deal with it and let it go. That's how we're going to move forward. He couldn't. *I* could. He didn't like my response, he wanted me to say something different but couldn't say that because he knew he would be putting words in my mouth, something he said he didn't want to do.
But he didn't have those words. He doesn't have the capacity to say I'm angry because I wish you thought the same way I did. I'm angry because I want you to just go along with what I say but without being a zombie. Agree with me but not too much. Keep it lively but don't get too big.
Although it's probably just as well he didn't have the words because those things are a contradiction. You can't love someone for their passionate take on life and turn around and tell them to tone it down. You can be attracted to someone because they're carefree and light and happy and yoga-hippie-fied, and then get mad that they don't make six figures. And I know he doesn't fully grasp that because he truly believes that he can have anything he puts his mind to.
And for that, he gets a glimmer of sympathy. Just a little one though. Teeny tiny.
I got upset, I raised my voice, I got agitated, but I calmed myself down and I was able to listen as well as share my thoughts and feelings. R didn't as much, but I wasn't surprised. What pleased me is that the therapist saw us in action and she corrected a lot of things mid-stream. Or should I say mid-scream? BTW, y'all will know something's wrong if I ever 1)stop doing my hair or 2)if I stop cracking jokes.
Anyway, she admonished him pretty strongly that if he was indeed going to stay in this marriage that he had to let some stuff go. A-MEN!! I'm still angry so I don't have a lot of sympathy but I can say I recognize that R is coming from waaaaay behind the starting line. I don't know if y'all remember, but in my family post I talked a little about his family too, and how they pretty much let him figure things out for himself. While that's all fine and good, there has to be some guidance and just because a kid gets good grades and is polite to the neighbors, it doesn't mean they don't need parenting. However, R was good. He was very much the Golden Child - good grades, good at all sports and super easy on the eyes. I'm actually kind of nervous for our baby because I've heard that two pretty people will make an ugly baby, and for real, R was pretty growing up! But I digress.
Growing up, things were very often handed to him. He worked hard but that hard work always paid off and always with great reward. Seriously, I think the first miscarriage was the first disappointment he'd EVER experienced in his life. I take that back - he didn't get into his PhD program because of politics and he's still upset about that to this day. He cut off all contact with the two other candidates and they were his very good friends. He still carries that around with him, all these years later.
Unfortunately, being smart and good at sports and good-looking didn't leave him very humble. He'll tell you all day long he's humble, but scratch the surface and there's an arrogant know-it-all just underneath. And that's a big ol problem when butting heads with a loud-mouthed, fast-talking, stubborn, way-more-articulate, far more emotionally in-tune person like me.
The guy has no coping skills. None. He does not know how to deal with disappointment, express emotion other than anger or articulate his feelings. I'm talking child-level here. If he didn't get what he wanted from one person, he'd drop it/them emotionlessly and move on to the next person who would give him what he wanted. That's why he's got such trouble with authority. He doesn't know how to take orders or criticism.
Emotionally, that meant all unpleasant feelings get stuffed to the bottom, for years and years and the only way it gets dealt with is with periodic explosions. His parents told me I just need to let him do that because that was his way. WTF-EVER! That may work for you because your little Golden Boy does no wrong but in MY world? The REAL world? Tantrums don't fly beyond the age of 2. In MY world we deal with our emotions and then let that shit go. What is this bottle-it-up nonsense? That's how people DIE at 40.
But tell that to a 32-year old for whom it has 'worked' thus far. Well, I can't because I know nothing remember? But therapist can and did. I could have kissed her. She laid it out for him that he needed to do the work on his own, that I could not do it for him and as long as these triggers from his past kept interfering with his present, he was never going to break the cycle. That's how I ended up in a hotel room after a fight about the dog. Something I did or said flipped a switch in his brain, he got crazy, I got crazy and I left. Not acceptable.
I can only hope he heard what she said and will implement her suggestions - only time will tell. I can clearly understand the challenges he's working with - he's never in his life had to articulate his feelings, not even anger. He was just indulged - 'Oh that's just R blowing off some steam. He'll be fine later.' But it never got talked about, why he needed to blow off steam in the first place and how to keep from getting to the crazy place the next time. It's hard raising boys - you want them to be strong and tough but you don't want them punching holes in walls because their team lost the game. Yet you don't want them to take to their beds and cry for days either. Girls have their own set of difficulties but I get that it's hard for boys.
However, it doesn't mean I will accept his behavior. When we walked in, I made it clear that I would not rehash the events of the past weekend, that the past is in the past and that we can point fingers at each other for years because God knows we've got the material. I said we need help figuring out how to move forward. R consistently wanted to bring up the past as justification for his behavior and kept coming up short when I refused. We are looking forward now, what are we doing to heal and move forward? No answer, but not because he's a jerk - he truly doesn't know.
I haven't yet given up but this has been a long week. I don't know how much patience I have while he learns skills that he should have learned as a teenager, and frankly I'm still very angry. I'm not raging like I was because I'm starting to have a glimmer of sympathy for just how hard this is for him and I never really hold on to anger for that long. But it is still there.
Just this morning he told me he was angry at me but couldn't articulate why. Is it because I didn't give you the response you wanted? How is that in keeping with your desire for me to remain true to myself? You said you didn't want me to be a mindless zombie and I was not disrespectful in disagreeing with you. So can you tell me why you're angry?
Just forget it, he said.
I reminded him that the therapist said no stuffing, that stuffing emotions down leads to explosions. If you feel something, name it right then, deal with it and let it go. That's how we're going to move forward. He couldn't. *I* could. He didn't like my response, he wanted me to say something different but couldn't say that because he knew he would be putting words in my mouth, something he said he didn't want to do.
But he didn't have those words. He doesn't have the capacity to say I'm angry because I wish you thought the same way I did. I'm angry because I want you to just go along with what I say but without being a zombie. Agree with me but not too much. Keep it lively but don't get too big.
Although it's probably just as well he didn't have the words because those things are a contradiction. You can't love someone for their passionate take on life and turn around and tell them to tone it down. You can be attracted to someone because they're carefree and light and happy and yoga-hippie-fied, and then get mad that they don't make six figures. And I know he doesn't fully grasp that because he truly believes that he can have anything he puts his mind to.
And for that, he gets a glimmer of sympathy. Just a little one though. Teeny tiny.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Grasping at straws
Somebody lied to you about me. Somebody lied and told you I was stronger than I was. Was it me? Did I accidentally lead you to believe that I have no feelings, that nothing you do or say will break-a my stride? Because it's a lie.
I'm so hurt and I'm so sad and I'm so angry. I've put down my weapons, I'm waving the white flag, I've apologized and I've eaten so much crow that I'm stuffed. Yet it is unrecognized and he's asking for more. So I take a deep breath and ask what more do you want from me and I will give it to you. And there is no answer.
And this time my shoulders are truly slumped and I'm fighting the tears because I don't know what more I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to thank you for the things you've done? Am I supposed to be grateful that you've 'let' me back in, regardless of what you've done to me? You want an apology? Another one? Again? Fine, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. What more is there that I can give? Just tell me and I'll give it.
I have nothing else, I can't give anymore than what I'm giving. It takes all the energy I have not to scream at the sky. The effort that it takes not to fight back when I continue to be baited just because he's testing me requires every ounce of my focus. I've stopped - I've thrown my weapons away, please stop fighting me. Please. You're beating my soul right out of me.
I'm so hurt and I'm so sad and I'm so angry. I've put down my weapons, I'm waving the white flag, I've apologized and I've eaten so much crow that I'm stuffed. Yet it is unrecognized and he's asking for more. So I take a deep breath and ask what more do you want from me and I will give it to you. And there is no answer.
And this time my shoulders are truly slumped and I'm fighting the tears because I don't know what more I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to thank you for the things you've done? Am I supposed to be grateful that you've 'let' me back in, regardless of what you've done to me? You want an apology? Another one? Again? Fine, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. What more is there that I can give? Just tell me and I'll give it.
I have nothing else, I can't give anymore than what I'm giving. It takes all the energy I have not to scream at the sky. The effort that it takes not to fight back when I continue to be baited just because he's testing me requires every ounce of my focus. I've stopped - I've thrown my weapons away, please stop fighting me. Please. You're beating my soul right out of me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The best sound
When one thing is bad and the other good, it's best to keep them separate because the bad will always taint the good? Have you ever noticed that? Positive people don't bring up negative people - it's the negative ones that bring down the positive ones. Even if you're a strong positive person, being around a negative one will make your light dim just a little. Negative people shouldn't have that much power. But I digress.
I was worried that all the stress and drama and crying and fighting this past weekend had done something to the baby. I'd had tiny cramps, nothing for an extended period of time and no spotting, but I was scared nonetheless.
I talked to my cousin who assured me that if fighting killed babies, we'd all be extinct. She said she was angry and yelled at everyone her entire first pregnancy and there's nothing wrong with her daughter. And there isn't - the kid is perfect and awesome. But still, I was scared.
I called my awesome doctor yesterday and told her that I'd had an extremely stressful weekend and I'd really like to just be looked at. She called me a few hours later and listened as I outlined what we'd gone through. She was like, come on in and we'll get heart tones for you.
I went on my lunch break today and she called me right back, asking how I was doing, if things were better. I really appreciated her concern - my OB strikes just the right note. They're not too touchy-feely but they're not cold and soulless. Even though I just saw her MA, she was the same way. Sympathetic but not all, omg let's go have a cry over this.
First, she found my heartbeat. powh..........powh........powh.........powh My heartrate was 76. Then she found the baby. powhpowhpowhpowhpowh Heartrate of 168, loud and strong. I asked her to do me again. powh..........powh.........powh..........powh And now the baby? powhpowhpowhpowhpowhpowhpowh
Hands down the coolest thing ever in the whole wide world. I smiled and exhaled. My baby is okay. My daughter is not dead because I fought with her father. Right then I made a little promise to her that Mommy was going to do her very very best not to fight with Daddy anymore. She just has to promise me to keep on growing, that's it.
It's still so weird to me because I haven't gained any weight, I still have to belt my regular pants and now that I'm in the last days of my first trimester my boobs aren't even hurting as bad. I still have to get up to pee at night but where I'd have to get up at 3am, now it's not until 5:30 or almost six, which is super annoying because my alarm is for 6:30 and that extra hour of sleep is so precious to me! I find myself negotiating with the pee muscle: Come on, I have to get up in an hour anyway, just let me sleep and I'll just go then. But the pee muscle sucks and is all, You pee now biotch!
I've read that sometimes in the second trimester you don't feel like you're pregnant at all and my cousin, who is my go-to for all things pregnancy, said that so many times she'd forget that she was pregnant because she didn't feel any different. I wish it was just forgetting. I don't feel things and I'm like that's it, it's dead. I hate that loss does that to you, plants that negative seed. I wish my positivity were stronger. That I could tell my negative brain to shut up, the baby's fine.
But you know how that goes.
However, I'm grateful for today. I'm grateful that I got to hear my baby's heartbeat with my own ears. Even though I will be beyond upset if things go south, I am truly grateful for every day that I'm given.
Because hearing my baby's heartbeat is pretty much the best sound in the whole world.
I was worried that all the stress and drama and crying and fighting this past weekend had done something to the baby. I'd had tiny cramps, nothing for an extended period of time and no spotting, but I was scared nonetheless.
I talked to my cousin who assured me that if fighting killed babies, we'd all be extinct. She said she was angry and yelled at everyone her entire first pregnancy and there's nothing wrong with her daughter. And there isn't - the kid is perfect and awesome. But still, I was scared.
I called my awesome doctor yesterday and told her that I'd had an extremely stressful weekend and I'd really like to just be looked at. She called me a few hours later and listened as I outlined what we'd gone through. She was like, come on in and we'll get heart tones for you.
I went on my lunch break today and she called me right back, asking how I was doing, if things were better. I really appreciated her concern - my OB strikes just the right note. They're not too touchy-feely but they're not cold and soulless. Even though I just saw her MA, she was the same way. Sympathetic but not all, omg let's go have a cry over this.
First, she found my heartbeat. powh..........powh........powh.........powh My heartrate was 76. Then she found the baby. powhpowhpowhpowhpowh Heartrate of 168, loud and strong. I asked her to do me again. powh..........powh.........powh..........powh And now the baby? powhpowhpowhpowhpowhpowhpowh
Hands down the coolest thing ever in the whole wide world. I smiled and exhaled. My baby is okay. My daughter is not dead because I fought with her father. Right then I made a little promise to her that Mommy was going to do her very very best not to fight with Daddy anymore. She just has to promise me to keep on growing, that's it.
It's still so weird to me because I haven't gained any weight, I still have to belt my regular pants and now that I'm in the last days of my first trimester my boobs aren't even hurting as bad. I still have to get up to pee at night but where I'd have to get up at 3am, now it's not until 5:30 or almost six, which is super annoying because my alarm is for 6:30 and that extra hour of sleep is so precious to me! I find myself negotiating with the pee muscle: Come on, I have to get up in an hour anyway, just let me sleep and I'll just go then. But the pee muscle sucks and is all, You pee now biotch!
I've read that sometimes in the second trimester you don't feel like you're pregnant at all and my cousin, who is my go-to for all things pregnancy, said that so many times she'd forget that she was pregnant because she didn't feel any different. I wish it was just forgetting. I don't feel things and I'm like that's it, it's dead. I hate that loss does that to you, plants that negative seed. I wish my positivity were stronger. That I could tell my negative brain to shut up, the baby's fine.
But you know how that goes.
However, I'm grateful for today. I'm grateful that I got to hear my baby's heartbeat with my own ears. Even though I will be beyond upset if things go south, I am truly grateful for every day that I'm given.
Because hearing my baby's heartbeat is pretty much the best sound in the whole world.
Starting over
He says we have to start over, we have to get back to basics. I say I couldn't agree more, where would you like to start? He has no answer.
This is where we run into the same problem, over and over again. 'I don't know what I want but it's not this.' The only difference this time is that I will not offer my suggestions. I will not offer my thoughts on how I think things should proceed even though I have puh-lenty of ideas.
Nope, he wants to run the show, he wants to be the Big Man, he thinks his way of things is so much better, then be my guest. I'm keeping my mouth shut. Today he told me he was sad. I asked him what he wanted so he wouldn't be sad anymore. He has no answer. I ask him what he wants from me. No idea. I ask him how he thinks things can improve. "We need to be friends." "I completely agree, what does that look like to you?" "Well, certainly not what we're doing now." "I couldn't agree more, so what should we do?" He has no answer.
It's maddening. In the past, I would offer my suggestion but because it usually involved him modifying some aspect of his behavior, like, oh I don't know, NOT blowing up at the slightest provocation, it was always summarily dismissed. All right fine, Big Stick. You take the wheel.
I'm aware it's the oldest teaching tool out there - let them flail, let them fail, and hopefully they come back to you to receive what you were trying to offer them in the first place. The problem is, I never thought I'd have to do this with my husband - I was preparing to do it with my KID. And my biggest flaw in the world is I havevery little ZERO patience for people who treat me like I'm stupid. I am not a cocky person, I never put on airs and I have no problem asking for help when I'm clueless, which is actually quite often. But when I've gone down the road you're about to travel? And I've failed and you're about to do the exact same thing but I don't know anything because I'm just a receptionist and I don't have the degrees that you do? When you don't want to listen to me because you can't take sound advice just because it's coming out of MY mouth? No, I hate it and I get stabby.
I know what I have to do moving forward. If I stay quiet when he blows up over stupid things, sooner or later he'll realize how ridiculous he looks. Our big fights always go like this:
Him: What the FUCK!!!!!! They put ketchup on my burger when I SPECIFICALLY asked for mustard! Gah-DAMMIT! FUCK!!! RRRRAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!
Me: Seriously? What is your problem? Why are you wasting this much energy over something so stupid? Just go back and have them fix it. You are doing way too much and you sound like an idiot. (I'm not perfect and when my patience is gone, the name-calling starts. Not an excuse I know.)
Him: Oh so I'm an idiot now? I'm just the stupid asshole? I'm worthless now huh?
Me: Oh my god Chicken Little can you be a little more dramatic? You sound like a woman. No, I won't even insult women like that because I do not know a single woman that acts like you.
*Descend into screaming match*
It always follows the exact same pattern, it's only the situation changes. I lose it when he starts going global, about how horrible he is and how he sucks at everything and sometimes I get fed up and agree with him. "You know what? Yes you do suck. You think it's okay to just blow up at the world and it's stupid and I'm sick of it and I'm sick of you. Is that what you want me to say?"
Gah, typing that out looks horrible and that's the G-rated version. It gets so much nastier because I'm kinda good with the words, doncha know. I go for the kill every time. I rarely curse when we fight - it's much more effective to look someone in the eye with an even tone and say "You're a horrible person and you'll never change." Takes the wind right out of your sails and I know that, which makes me a terrible person. The fact that I don't go there until I've been sorely sorely sorely provoked doesn't make it ok. I know how nasty I can get and I keep it check almost always. But I know I have to be better if this is going to work.
So that is my commitment - to hold my tongue. No matter how he provokes me. Which I've already failed at. He was supposed to be out of town this week but postponed his trip to address our issues. He now leaves on Thursday and I was now unsure of his new travel schedule.
Me: When you leave on Thursday are you going to stay gone through the weekend and come back the following Friday?
Him: Why? Is that what you want me to do?
Me: (screaming in my head) WHY? Why can't you just say yes or no!!!! Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to strangle you right now? Why do you have to make it harder on me? WHY????
(out loud) R, I'm trying my best over here. Please can you not play the victim and just answer my question?
Him: You know my travel schedule.
Me: (in my head) YES OR NO!! That's all I need in this world!
(out loud) I don't know what other changes you've made without telling me.
(in my head) Kind of like when you emptied the bank account and shut off my access. Kind of like that, ASSHOLE.
Him: I'm coming home for the weekend.
Me: (dead from the effort)
Everything. Everything is a battle. It's all second-guessing at my true motives, because I'm the crazy conniving one whose sole purpose in life is to get one over on him.
I'm just so tired. I'm not a bad person. I do love him and that's why it hurts and that's why I get so angry. But I know I have majorly contributed - I cut at his weakest spots and those are the slowest to grow back. And so I've made a new commitment, I'm turning over a new leaf. I will start over. I will allow my shoulders to slump when he baits me, instead of squaring them for a fight. I will show pain and sadness in my eyes when he loses his temper or does something I've specifically asked him not to, instead of showing him my annoyance and condescension.
I hate thinking of my husband as a child and me as the adult because not only does the image repulse me, it means he gets to act like a child. Yet, everything I've done thus far has failed fantastically so fine, this is where we'll go. I will let him have his tantrums and not buy into them as best as I can. Because let's all remember, just because I can hold on to my temper much longer than he can doesn't mean I can hold on forever or that I'm not supremely flawed myself.
While it would be super cool if he stopped baiting me while I learn this new coping skill, I'm not holding my breath and I'm sure there will be more exchanges like the one we had this morning.
I'm just praying I get better at simply saying 'okay.' FAST.
This is where we run into the same problem, over and over again. 'I don't know what I want but it's not this.' The only difference this time is that I will not offer my suggestions. I will not offer my thoughts on how I think things should proceed even though I have puh-lenty of ideas.
Nope, he wants to run the show, he wants to be the Big Man, he thinks his way of things is so much better, then be my guest. I'm keeping my mouth shut. Today he told me he was sad. I asked him what he wanted so he wouldn't be sad anymore. He has no answer. I ask him what he wants from me. No idea. I ask him how he thinks things can improve. "We need to be friends." "I completely agree, what does that look like to you?" "Well, certainly not what we're doing now." "I couldn't agree more, so what should we do?" He has no answer.
It's maddening. In the past, I would offer my suggestion but because it usually involved him modifying some aspect of his behavior, like, oh I don't know, NOT blowing up at the slightest provocation, it was always summarily dismissed. All right fine, Big Stick. You take the wheel.
I'm aware it's the oldest teaching tool out there - let them flail, let them fail, and hopefully they come back to you to receive what you were trying to offer them in the first place. The problem is, I never thought I'd have to do this with my husband - I was preparing to do it with my KID. And my biggest flaw in the world is I have
I know what I have to do moving forward. If I stay quiet when he blows up over stupid things, sooner or later he'll realize how ridiculous he looks. Our big fights always go like this:
Him: What the FUCK!!!!!! They put ketchup on my burger when I SPECIFICALLY asked for mustard! Gah-DAMMIT! FUCK!!! RRRRAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!
Me: Seriously? What is your problem? Why are you wasting this much energy over something so stupid? Just go back and have them fix it. You are doing way too much and you sound like an idiot. (I'm not perfect and when my patience is gone, the name-calling starts. Not an excuse I know.)
Him: Oh so I'm an idiot now? I'm just the stupid asshole? I'm worthless now huh?
Me: Oh my god Chicken Little can you be a little more dramatic? You sound like a woman. No, I won't even insult women like that because I do not know a single woman that acts like you.
*Descend into screaming match*
It always follows the exact same pattern, it's only the situation changes. I lose it when he starts going global, about how horrible he is and how he sucks at everything and sometimes I get fed up and agree with him. "You know what? Yes you do suck. You think it's okay to just blow up at the world and it's stupid and I'm sick of it and I'm sick of you. Is that what you want me to say?"
Gah, typing that out looks horrible and that's the G-rated version. It gets so much nastier because I'm kinda good with the words, doncha know. I go for the kill every time. I rarely curse when we fight - it's much more effective to look someone in the eye with an even tone and say "You're a horrible person and you'll never change." Takes the wind right out of your sails and I know that, which makes me a terrible person. The fact that I don't go there until I've been sorely sorely sorely provoked doesn't make it ok. I know how nasty I can get and I keep it check almost always. But I know I have to be better if this is going to work.
So that is my commitment - to hold my tongue. No matter how he provokes me. Which I've already failed at. He was supposed to be out of town this week but postponed his trip to address our issues. He now leaves on Thursday and I was now unsure of his new travel schedule.
Me: When you leave on Thursday are you going to stay gone through the weekend and come back the following Friday?
Him: Why? Is that what you want me to do?
Me: (screaming in my head) WHY? Why can't you just say yes or no!!!! Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to strangle you right now? Why do you have to make it harder on me? WHY????
(out loud) R, I'm trying my best over here. Please can you not play the victim and just answer my question?
Him: You know my travel schedule.
Me: (in my head) YES OR NO!! That's all I need in this world!
(out loud) I don't know what other changes you've made without telling me.
(in my head) Kind of like when you emptied the bank account and shut off my access. Kind of like that, ASSHOLE.
Him: I'm coming home for the weekend.
Me: (dead from the effort)
Everything. Everything is a battle. It's all second-guessing at my true motives, because I'm the crazy conniving one whose sole purpose in life is to get one over on him.
I'm just so tired. I'm not a bad person. I do love him and that's why it hurts and that's why I get so angry. But I know I have majorly contributed - I cut at his weakest spots and those are the slowest to grow back. And so I've made a new commitment, I'm turning over a new leaf. I will start over. I will allow my shoulders to slump when he baits me, instead of squaring them for a fight. I will show pain and sadness in my eyes when he loses his temper or does something I've specifically asked him not to, instead of showing him my annoyance and condescension.
I hate thinking of my husband as a child and me as the adult because not only does the image repulse me, it means he gets to act like a child. Yet, everything I've done thus far has failed fantastically so fine, this is where we'll go. I will let him have his tantrums and not buy into them as best as I can. Because let's all remember, just because I can hold on to my temper much longer than he can doesn't mean I can hold on forever or that I'm not supremely flawed myself.
While it would be super cool if he stopped baiting me while I learn this new coping skill, I'm not holding my breath and I'm sure there will be more exchanges like the one we had this morning.
I'm just praying I get better at simply saying 'okay.' FAST.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Growing pains
Oh my goodness, how I want to bash him. How I want to unleash and spew hatefulness and ugliness and evil and bile, all in his direction. How I want to lay out his sins and be justified in doing so, because I totally am. I want to so badly my nails dig into my clenched fists.
But I won't. I will not do that. Because this will not last forever. Neither good nor bad times last forever and this won't either. And when the dust settles and we're friends again, it will be that much more difficult to start fresh. From experience, I know that when you bash someone to a third party, that third party never quite looks at the bash-ee the same way again. You can't un-hear things you've been told. You can't un-remember how they treated your friend.
So I won't. Because I'M better than that. I am justified and no one would look at me sideways for outlining all the ways I'm right and have been mistreated but that doesn't matter. I'm better than that, even I wish I weren't.
I spent hours on the phone with my dad this weekend. It was what really spoke to my heart - I have to give my daughter that chance to have that kind of relationship with her father. Because as bad as things are now, they won't be that way forever. As much as I don't believe it in this moment, things could turn around and my daughter will be the one who benefits the most. And that's why I have to do this.
It's why I have to hold my tongue, it's why I have to just say 'okay' when I KNOW I'm right.
It's for my daughter. And it won't be this way forever.
My dad said one of the greatest pains there is is holding your tongue when you know you're right. He's never said truer words.
On my other blog, I read Single Infertile Female. I don't want to link to it because I want to keep this blog as private as possible. But today she wrote about God being in the character building business and it really resonated with me. That right now, I too am being molded and shaped and made to grow and rarely is growth a pain-free process. As my child is growing inside me, I too am growing into a mother. And it hurts.
It's been a long while since I sacrificed. And I don't think I've ever not stood up for myself in anything other than a job situation. Plenty of times I've wanted to tell my bosses where they could stick it but I never did. But this? Eating crow when he's so clearly wrong? I mean like super extra way definitely wrong? I've never done it. Never. And I'm so scared that he will think he's won because of it. And it kills me.
So I just can't think like that. I have to think that I'm doing this for my daughter, that her life and well-being is more important than my pride or my desire to be right. She is the most important thing and I have to fight for her family. For my family. Because fighting for your family is never a wrong choice.
And frankly, if I can keep my nose clean and my mouth shut, he'll be selfish enough to do all the work for me and make my decision that much easier.
BUT - things could get better. If I give in here, and things get better then it will have been worth it.
I just wish I didn't have to be the bigger person. I'M PREGNANT DAMMIT!
But I won't. I will not do that. Because this will not last forever. Neither good nor bad times last forever and this won't either. And when the dust settles and we're friends again, it will be that much more difficult to start fresh. From experience, I know that when you bash someone to a third party, that third party never quite looks at the bash-ee the same way again. You can't un-hear things you've been told. You can't un-remember how they treated your friend.
So I won't. Because I'M better than that. I am justified and no one would look at me sideways for outlining all the ways I'm right and have been mistreated but that doesn't matter. I'm better than that, even I wish I weren't.
I spent hours on the phone with my dad this weekend. It was what really spoke to my heart - I have to give my daughter that chance to have that kind of relationship with her father. Because as bad as things are now, they won't be that way forever. As much as I don't believe it in this moment, things could turn around and my daughter will be the one who benefits the most. And that's why I have to do this.
It's why I have to hold my tongue, it's why I have to just say 'okay' when I KNOW I'm right.
It's for my daughter. And it won't be this way forever.
My dad said one of the greatest pains there is is holding your tongue when you know you're right. He's never said truer words.
On my other blog, I read Single Infertile Female. I don't want to link to it because I want to keep this blog as private as possible. But today she wrote about God being in the character building business and it really resonated with me. That right now, I too am being molded and shaped and made to grow and rarely is growth a pain-free process. As my child is growing inside me, I too am growing into a mother. And it hurts.
It's been a long while since I sacrificed. And I don't think I've ever not stood up for myself in anything other than a job situation. Plenty of times I've wanted to tell my bosses where they could stick it but I never did. But this? Eating crow when he's so clearly wrong? I mean like super extra way definitely wrong? I've never done it. Never. And I'm so scared that he will think he's won because of it. And it kills me.
So I just can't think like that. I have to think that I'm doing this for my daughter, that her life and well-being is more important than my pride or my desire to be right. She is the most important thing and I have to fight for her family. For my family. Because fighting for your family is never a wrong choice.
And frankly, if I can keep my nose clean and my mouth shut, he'll be selfish enough to do all the work for me and make my decision that much easier.
BUT - things could get better. If I give in here, and things get better then it will have been worth it.
I just wish I didn't have to be the bigger person. I'M PREGNANT DAMMIT!
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