Fun with ultrasounds

I was 5 weeks 5 days at my first doctor's appointment.  I got the ultrasound first and I was dreading it.  I was so afraid to want this, I didn't know if I could take another loss.  But she found it right away and was even able to date it, which she couldn't do the last time.  I measured 5 weeks 3 days which made me nervous but they said it was nothing to worry about.  I didn't care - it was in there.  For now.


R was with me and we both somberly waited for my doctor to come in.  I've seen her since forever so she knew my whole story which was really nice.  She knew where my head was at and right off the bat told me I could come in and have as many ultrasounds as I wanted so I would be okay with things.  She wanted me to come in the very next week but I told her I was okay, that coming in at 8 weeks would be fine because even at 6 weeks you can't be totally sure that everything is okay.  I wanted to be totally sure.  She prescribed progesterone suppositories to take until I reached ten weeks and what a barrel of fun those are!


First of all, they're expensive as fuck.  Thank God for insurance and flex spending and thank GOD I wouldn't have to do it forever.  They're just like Monistat applicators and you do it once a morning.  It's added insurance to keep the baby in there and after 10 weeks, the placenta takes over progesterone production so you can stop.


Unfortunately, progesterone is what causes the majority of the 'pregnancy ailments.'  Headaches, dizziness, nausea, hating the world.  No lie, I rolled over in bed one night and got dizzy from it!  And yoga!  So many times I lost my balance coming up to standing and thought I was going to lose it right there in class.  Thankfully I never did.  Being a passenger in the car was intolerable - I had to drive or I would get carsick.  R got really annoyed with this one, I don't know why.  Again, like I was doing this just to piss him off.


However, I took them in stride and as a sign that the pregnancy was going well.  I adapted, moving slower, paying more attention to what I ate and I just dealt with it.  I can deal with dizziness and nausea.  Needles are just on a whole nother level.


And then one morning it all went away.  It was a Tuesday morning and I was to teach yoga. That Monday was the one I wrote about, the one that was magical and awesome and I was living my passion.  Tuesday I had no dizziness, no nausea and I knew that was it.  It was gone.  Tuesday's class was decidedly un-magical.  That week I was horrible, hating everything, saying things like why am I still doing these shots if it's already dead.  R was like you know, you really need to quit saying things like that and you need to be positive.  To which I responded, I would thank you to not tell me how to cope.  I'm so very sorry I'm making you uncomfortable but I really just can't care right now.  I'm kind of dealing with some things.


I was dreading my 8-week appointment.  I hadn't felt any headaches or nausea or anything. I wasn't yet peeing a lot and my boobs were sore but not unbearable so I thought that was just leftover hormones that were making their way out of my body.  R and I sat there in silence.


Again, we got the ultrasound first.  Before she started I told her that I wasn't feeling very positive about this.  She asked if I was spotting and I told her no but I didn't spot with the first loss so not spotting didn't mean anything to me.  She was like, well let's go ahead and see what's going on.  Weenie cam in and she found it right away.  There's your baby.  Aaand there's the heartbeat.


Big deal.  I've been here before.  I've seen a heartbeat.  And I've seen a dead baby.  


You're measuring right at 8 weeks.


Okay, what?  I've never measured on time.  Never.  I've always been behind.  Because it was on its way to dying.  I've never been on time.  Never.


Are you sure?
Yes, 8 weeks on the dot.
Okay, but are you completely sure.
8 weeks, I'm positive.
*bawling my eyes out now*  I'm really sorry for asking you so many times, I really am, but are you sure I'm 8 weeks?  Are you really sure?  Can you double check?
I promise you, you're 8 weeks.  Heartbeat is nice and strong.
Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.  *bawling, shaking, crying into R's hand, relief flooding through me*


We saw the doctor, she was happy for us and I told her that I wanted to come in right after I made 9 weeks, since I lost the first one at 9 weeks and if it was going to go, I wanted to know right away.  She said that was fine and told me I could come as many times as I wanted.


I went alone to the next ultrasound at 9 weeks 4 days.  I told R it was no big deal, that this was just an aliveness check, that he didn't have to be there.  Naively, I didn't think much could change with just a week.  I know nothing.


I didn't have to do the weenie cam!  When she told me to just unbutton my pants I paused. Never done that before either.  I asked her if she'd really be able to see anything that way and she assured me that she would.  Poor girl, I wonder how many cynical and neurotic women question her skills on a daily basis.


Again, she found it right away and oh my goodness so much had changed!  It had a head!  And little arm and leg nubs!  It looked just like a gummi bear!  My mouth fell open as I stared at the screen, hypnotized by this little thing that I had pretty much accepted I would never get to see.  But there it was.  Plain as day.


And then it jerked.  Like a reflex or a hiccup or something.  It JERKED.


"Hold up.  Was that......?"
"Oh yeah, your baby is wiggling."
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"
She chuckled.  "Your baby's moving."
"No, that was me. I was moving.  Okay, do it again and I'm going to hold real still this time."


She held still and I held still and it moved.  It wiggled and jerked and oh my God it's alive it's in there and it's alive and holy shit it's in there oh my God why isn't R here to see this are you kidding me it's alive!


I laughed and laughed and stared at my baby.  My wiggling, jerky gummi bear baby.  My baby.  I measured 9 weeks 2 days and that bothered me but not near as much this time because it was moving.  I had never ever seen that and I was floored.  When I left the ultrasound room, I happened to see the Blood Dude and he was like, well?  I was like, DUDE it was moving!  Hell yeah, that's what's up!  The Blood Dude is so cool.


I was giddy waiting for the doctor.  We scheduled the NT scan, which is actually tomorrow morning.  I will be 12 weeks tomorrow.  I can't believe it.


I'm still apprehensive because now that I've stopped the progesterone I have no more headaches, dizziness or nausea.  My boobs hurt for real all the time now and that's a pain I'm grateful for.  I have to pee around 3am every single night and she said those two things are directly related to the pregnancy and to worry if those things go away.  The other stuff was related to the progesterone and it's no big deal if those symptoms disappear.


I'm further than I've ever been ever and the tiniest glimmer of hope is starting to peek through.  Which will make it suck royally if things go south but no matter what, I'll always have that memory of that little wiggling gummi bear with its big ol head.


I still take things one day at a time, but slightly, ever so slightly I'm beginning to turn my eyes to the future.


Just my eyes though.