Awake

Again, I'm wide awake.  I'm going to pay for this in the morning.  I didn't talk to him all day and when he finally called he had nothing to say.  Again.  I'm not getting through to him and I'm starting to lose hope that I ever will.  He's fixated on the notion that he's not the only one with problems.  Yet when I acknowledge that, he does nothing - just like my dad.  All he wants to hear is you admitting you're wrong.  Somehow in his mind his actions are then justified and there's no reason to change.  And it was more of the same in our conversation last night.


He was fixated on the fact that I grabbed his face, to try and make him look at me.  I should not have done that.  I should not have given in to my desperation.  When I demanded that he turn around and look and me, I should have walked away when he didn't.  But I didn't.  I was wrong and I was out of line.  I don't justify my actions, I only say that nothing infuriates me more than when he acts like a child.  If we're talking and he puts his back to me in an effort to end the conversation because he's done, I lose it.  I don't deal with the manipulation and the control.  


I'm out of patience. I'm pregnant and I shouldn't have to deal with this in addition to everything else.  I think about leaving him.  I think about a life without him.  It wouldn't be better, I don't kid myself.  It would suck and it would hurt and I would be lonely and I never wanted to raise my child alone.  But I wouldn't have to fight.  I wouldn't have to feel like I'm being shut out at every turn.  I wouldn't have to feel like everything else is more important than I am.