I'm pregnant

God, it feels so good to say that.  I've been holding back for 11 weeks.  People have known but I haven't been able to write it and for some reason it hasn't been the same.  I wanted to write about it the second I got the positive test but R told me not to.  He said he wanted to wait until I was out of the first trimester.  As if that would make a difference.  I was so angry - what if I didn't make it that far?  What if I lost it again and no one ever knew it existed?  As if the first trimester is magic and nothing bad happens after that.  Tell that to a full-term stillbirth mother.

He accused me of wanting attention.  I knew then that he had no clue.  He didn't truly understand the need for complete strangers to know that I was again holding life, that the more people that knew, the more real this baby would be.  That was so hurtful, for him to claim that all I wanted was attention.

But here I am, 11 weeks and 3 days.  Out of my past three pregnancies, today marks the farthest I've ever gotten.  Well, actually tomorrow because I was 11 weeks 3 days that day at the clinic.  That seems so long ago and like it was yesterday all at once.  I suppose it will always feel that way.

I have had so many emotions swirling around for the past 11 weeks and I've felt strangled, like I was in a padded room.  I was looking for substitute outlets but there has always only been one.  I have to write, like I have to wear clothes when I go outside.  Not vital to my survival, but quite necessary.

I have officially entered uncharted territory - I've never been this pregnant and I never thought it would be like this.  I thought once we figured out what was wrong with me, we would be over the moon ecstatic.  I thought he would be so very happy and treat me more softly, differently.  But it's as though he is refusing to believe it's real.  How many times have I told him that you can't shield yourself from the pain?  No matter how numb you think you are, it always hurts.  Always.

But I want to tell my story.  Our story - mine and my gummi's.  That's what it looked like - a little wiggling gummi bear.  My gummi bear.