When one thing is bad and the other good, it's best to keep them separate because the bad will always taint the good? Have you ever noticed that? Positive people don't bring up negative people - it's the negative ones that bring down the positive ones. Even if you're a strong positive person, being around a negative one will make your light dim just a little. Negative people shouldn't have that much power. But I digress.
I was worried that all the stress and drama and crying and fighting this past weekend had done something to the baby. I'd had tiny cramps, nothing for an extended period of time and no spotting, but I was scared nonetheless.
I talked to my cousin who assured me that if fighting killed babies, we'd all be extinct. She said she was angry and yelled at everyone her entire first pregnancy and there's nothing wrong with her daughter. And there isn't - the kid is perfect and awesome. But still, I was scared.
I called my awesome doctor yesterday and told her that I'd had an extremely stressful weekend and I'd really like to just be looked at. She called me a few hours later and listened as I outlined what we'd gone through. She was like, come on in and we'll get heart tones for you.
I went on my lunch break today and she called me right back, asking how I was doing, if things were better. I really appreciated her concern - my OB strikes just the right note. They're not too touchy-feely but they're not cold and soulless. Even though I just saw her MA, she was the same way. Sympathetic but not all, omg let's go have a cry over this.
First, she found my heartbeat. powh..........powh........powh.........powh My heartrate was 76. Then she found the baby. powhpowhpowhpowhpowh Heartrate of 168, loud and strong. I asked her to do me again. powh..........powh.........powh..........powh And now the baby? powhpowhpowhpowhpowhpowhpowh
Hands down the coolest thing ever in the whole wide world. I smiled and exhaled. My baby is okay. My daughter is not dead because I fought with her father. Right then I made a little promise to her that Mommy was going to do her very very best not to fight with Daddy anymore. She just has to promise me to keep on growing, that's it.
It's still so weird to me because I haven't gained any weight, I still have to belt my regular pants and now that I'm in the last days of my first trimester my boobs aren't even hurting as bad. I still have to get up to pee at night but where I'd have to get up at 3am, now it's not until 5:30 or almost six, which is super annoying because my alarm is for 6:30 and that extra hour of sleep is so precious to me! I find myself negotiating with the pee muscle: Come on, I have to get up in an hour anyway, just let me sleep and I'll just go then. But the pee muscle sucks and is all, You pee now biotch!
I've read that sometimes in the second trimester you don't feel like you're pregnant at all and my cousin, who is my go-to for all things pregnancy, said that so many times she'd forget that she was pregnant because she didn't feel any different. I wish it was just forgetting. I don't feel things and I'm like that's it, it's dead. I hate that loss does that to you, plants that negative seed. I wish my positivity were stronger. That I could tell my negative brain to shut up, the baby's fine.
But you know how that goes.
However, I'm grateful for today. I'm grateful that I got to hear my baby's heartbeat with my own ears. Even though I will be beyond upset if things go south, I am truly grateful for every day that I'm given.
Because hearing my baby's heartbeat is pretty much the best sound in the whole world.
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