Somebody lied to you about me. Somebody lied and told you I was stronger than I was. Was it me? Did I accidentally lead you to believe that I have no feelings, that nothing you do or say will break-a my stride? Because it's a lie.
I'm so hurt and I'm so sad and I'm so angry. I've put down my weapons, I'm waving the white flag, I've apologized and I've eaten so much crow that I'm stuffed. Yet it is unrecognized and he's asking for more. So I take a deep breath and ask what more do you want from me and I will give it to you. And there is no answer.
And this time my shoulders are truly slumped and I'm fighting the tears because I don't know what more I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to thank you for the things you've done? Am I supposed to be grateful that you've 'let' me back in, regardless of what you've done to me? You want an apology? Another one? Again? Fine, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. What more is there that I can give? Just tell me and I'll give it.
I have nothing else, I can't give anymore than what I'm giving. It takes all the energy I have not to scream at the sky. The effort that it takes not to fight back when I continue to be baited just because he's testing me requires every ounce of my focus. I've stopped - I've thrown my weapons away, please stop fighting me. Please. You're beating my soul right out of me.
Your posts make me want to cry because you are a beautiful person and deserve to be treated that way. :( I'm so sorry that you are having to go through any of this. Know that I love you. That I'm here for you. And that I'm always only a call away.
ReplyDeletePlease don't let him break you. ^^This^^ is BS. You are in such a joyful part of your life and the joy is being drained out of you. It's so unfortunate that he has to act like a child...
ReplyDeleteI'm going to Nevada next week, but shortly after I get home, I am going to see you. And we're going to do something fun to take you away from this. A movie, a picnic, a walk, thrifting, whatever. You have people who support and love you. This isn't permanent. It's going to be OK. xo- K
P.S. I just read the last few lines of what I typed, and realized I am trying to say things to make you feel better not make you better. Life will go on, babies will be born and you will be OK. It just sucks ass right now, And nothing I can say will change that. I can come over and punch the kid (which I would gladly do) but that gets us no where. I guess I'm just sorry you are where you are. That's it. :(