This is where we run into the same problem, over and over again. 'I don't know what I want but it's not this.' The only difference this time is that I will not offer my suggestions. I will not offer my thoughts on how I think things should proceed even though I have puh-lenty of ideas.
Nope, he wants to run the show, he wants to be the Big Man, he thinks his way of things is so much better, then be my guest. I'm keeping my mouth shut. Today he told me he was sad. I asked him what he wanted so he wouldn't be sad anymore. He has no answer. I ask him what he wants from me. No idea. I ask him how he thinks things can improve. "We need to be friends." "I completely agree, what does that look like to you?" "Well, certainly not what we're doing now." "I couldn't agree more, so what should we do?" He has no answer.
It's maddening. In the past, I would offer my suggestion but because it usually involved him modifying some aspect of his behavior, like, oh I don't know, NOT blowing up at the slightest provocation, it was always summarily dismissed. All right fine, Big Stick. You take the wheel.
I'm aware it's the oldest teaching tool out there - let them flail, let them fail, and hopefully they come back to you to receive what you were trying to offer them in the first place. The problem is, I never thought I'd have to do this with my husband - I was preparing to do it with my KID. And my biggest flaw in the world is I have
I know what I have to do moving forward. If I stay quiet when he blows up over stupid things, sooner or later he'll realize how ridiculous he looks. Our big fights always go like this:
Him: What the FUCK!!!!!! They put ketchup on my burger when I SPECIFICALLY asked for mustard! Gah-DAMMIT! FUCK!!! RRRRAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!
Me: Seriously? What is your problem? Why are you wasting this much energy over something so stupid? Just go back and have them fix it. You are doing way too much and you sound like an idiot. (I'm not perfect and when my patience is gone, the name-calling starts. Not an excuse I know.)
Him: Oh so I'm an idiot now? I'm just the stupid asshole? I'm worthless now huh?
Me: Oh my god Chicken Little can you be a little more dramatic? You sound like a woman. No, I won't even insult women like that because I do not know a single woman that acts like you.
*Descend into screaming match*
It always follows the exact same pattern, it's only the situation changes. I lose it when he starts going global, about how horrible he is and how he sucks at everything and sometimes I get fed up and agree with him. "You know what? Yes you do suck. You think it's okay to just blow up at the world and it's stupid and I'm sick of it and I'm sick of you. Is that what you want me to say?"
Gah, typing that out looks horrible and that's the G-rated version. It gets so much nastier because I'm kinda good with the words, doncha know. I go for the kill every time. I rarely curse when we fight - it's much more effective to look someone in the eye with an even tone and say "You're a horrible person and you'll never change." Takes the wind right out of your sails and I know that, which makes me a terrible person. The fact that I don't go there until I've been sorely sorely sorely provoked doesn't make it ok. I know how nasty I can get and I keep it check almost always. But I know I have to be better if this is going to work.
So that is my commitment - to hold my tongue. No matter how he provokes me. Which I've already failed at. He was supposed to be out of town this week but postponed his trip to address our issues. He now leaves on Thursday and I was now unsure of his new travel schedule.
Me: When you leave on Thursday are you going to stay gone through the weekend and come back the following Friday?
Him: Why? Is that what you want me to do?
Me: (screaming in my head) WHY? Why can't you just say yes or no!!!! Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to strangle you right now? Why do you have to make it harder on me? WHY????
(out loud) R, I'm trying my best over here. Please can you not play the victim and just answer my question?
Him: You know my travel schedule.
Me: (in my head) YES OR NO!! That's all I need in this world!
(out loud) I don't know what other changes you've made without telling me.
(in my head) Kind of like when you emptied the bank account and shut off my access. Kind of like that, ASSHOLE.
Him: I'm coming home for the weekend.
Me: (dead from the effort)
Everything. Everything is a battle. It's all second-guessing at my true motives, because I'm the crazy conniving one whose sole purpose in life is to get one over on him.
I'm just so tired. I'm not a bad person. I do love him and that's why it hurts and that's why I get so angry. But I know I have majorly contributed - I cut at his weakest spots and those are the slowest to grow back. And so I've made a new commitment, I'm turning over a new leaf. I will start over. I will allow my shoulders to slump when he baits me, instead of squaring them for a fight. I will show pain and sadness in my eyes when he loses his temper or does something I've specifically asked him not to, instead of showing him my annoyance and condescension.
I hate thinking of my husband as a child and me as the adult because not only does the image repulse me, it means he gets to act like a child. Yet, everything I've done thus far has failed fantastically so fine, this is where we'll go. I will let him have his tantrums and not buy into them as best as I can. Because let's all remember, just because I can hold on to my temper much longer than he can doesn't mean I can hold on forever or that I'm not supremely flawed myself.
While it would be super cool if he stopped baiting me while I learn this new coping skill, I'm not holding my breath and I'm sure there will be more exchanges like the one we had this morning.
I'm just praying I get better at simply saying 'okay.' FAST.
I have BEEN THERE. You're not alone (if you care). There WILL be more of those exchanges but as long as you keep your goal in mind, you'll be able to see less red during the Baiting Sessions. The other person DOES see their actions when you react calmly and it changes, maybe not that one time. Maybe for that one time and then the time after that not so much and then maybe later but it's a process. Keep going, as much as you can.
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He emptied your joint account & cancelled your access? WTH? I hate that he is beating your beautiful soul out of you. I want to run there, load you up and bring you home. :(
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