Oh my goodness, how I want to bash him. How I want to unleash and spew hatefulness and ugliness and evil and bile, all in his direction. How I want to lay out his sins and be justified in doing so, because I totally am. I want to so badly my nails dig into my clenched fists.
But I won't. I will not do that. Because this will not last forever. Neither good nor bad times last forever and this won't either. And when the dust settles and we're friends again, it will be that much more difficult to start fresh. From experience, I know that when you bash someone to a third party, that third party never quite looks at the bash-ee the same way again. You can't un-hear things you've been told. You can't un-remember how they treated your friend.
So I won't. Because I'M better than that. I am justified and no one would look at me sideways for outlining all the ways I'm right and have been mistreated but that doesn't matter. I'm better than that, even I wish I weren't.
I spent hours on the phone with my dad this weekend. It was what really spoke to my heart - I have to give my daughter that chance to have that kind of relationship with her father. Because as bad as things are now, they won't be that way forever. As much as I don't believe it in this moment, things could turn around and my daughter will be the one who benefits the most. And that's why I have to do this.
It's why I have to hold my tongue, it's why I have to just say 'okay' when I KNOW I'm right.
It's for my daughter. And it won't be this way forever.
My dad said one of the greatest pains there is is holding your tongue when you know you're right. He's never said truer words.
On my other blog, I read Single Infertile Female. I don't want to link to it because I want to keep this blog as private as possible. But today she wrote about God being in the character building business and it really resonated with me. That right now, I too am being molded and shaped and made to grow and rarely is growth a pain-free process. As my child is growing inside me, I too am growing into a mother. And it hurts.
It's been a long while since I sacrificed. And I don't think I've ever not stood up for myself in anything other than a job situation. Plenty of times I've wanted to tell my bosses where they could stick it but I never did. But this? Eating crow when he's so clearly wrong? I mean like super extra way definitely wrong? I've never done it. Never. And I'm so scared that he will think he's won because of it. And it kills me.
So I just can't think like that. I have to think that I'm doing this for my daughter, that her life and well-being is more important than my pride or my desire to be right. She is the most important thing and I have to fight for her family. For my family. Because fighting for your family is never a wrong choice.
And frankly, if I can keep my nose clean and my mouth shut, he'll be selfish enough to do all the work for me and make my decision that much easier.
BUT - things could get better. If I give in here, and things get better then it will have been worth it.
I just wish I didn't have to be the bigger person. I'M PREGNANT DAMMIT!
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